Thanks Brandi!
- If I had a British accent, I’d never shut up.
- I’m not saying you’re stupid I’m just saying you’ve got bad luck when it comes to thinking.
- “Don’t forget you are what you eat.” “I need to eat a skinny person.”
- I see these moms who can do everything and I think I should have them do some stuff for me.
- A friend will calm you down when you are angry, but a BEST friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing, “someone’s gonna get it!”
- Whenever a bird poos on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.”
- Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s Tuesday.
- That moment in a middle of an argument that realize you are wrong but fight anyway all in the name of pride.
- In a thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
- Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying: “Ich liebe dich!”
- They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit (and by ‘they’ I honestly do not mean ‘people who just got owned by a sarcastic comment’.)
- Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals”. Just sayin’.”
- “Yes, Officer, I did see the speed limit sign. I just didn’t see you.”
- Sometimes late at night I dig a hole in the backyard just to keep the nosey neighbors guessing.
- Auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.”
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